I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
