i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
