just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
