he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
