idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
