So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
