when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
