on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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