i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You don't make any sense
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