Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
