you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
