I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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