She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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