my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
