I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Too much gin, very little bucket
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm too high and old for this...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
