My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
