I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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