I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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