hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
