Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is it penis luge time yet?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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