WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
