I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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