Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
