Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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