I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
