We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
