Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
