ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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