fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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