you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
