It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
