No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
