made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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