I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
