Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
