Plan B is the new Plan A
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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