Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
