he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
