woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
