seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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