you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
