I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
