I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
