i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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