It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
