Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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