i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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