dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
