Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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