My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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