When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You were trust falling into bushes
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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