I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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