One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
