my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
